Taylor Swift: A Parent’s Love Language
Plus, an addicting take on the espresso martini and a demented portrait of the Duggar family
In the Emmy-award winning show “Abbott Elementary,” there is a slow-burn romantic tension between two of the leads, Gregory and Janine. It’s a classic will they/won’t they scenario played with perfect pacing and swoony nuance – stolen glances, warm gestures, and, most effectively, unique expressions of affection that perfectly encapsulate what happens when two people are so enamored with one another that even the smallest quirks and preferences become The Most Important Thing in the World.
Near the end of the second season when the simmer starts to come to a boil, Gregory makes a random movie reference. She looks surprised, saying “Wait, so you did watch ‘Night at the Museum.’” He gently replies, “I take all your recommendations seriously. I want to know why you like stuff.” It got me thinking about this perfect expression of love – to partake in an activity or piece of art for the sole purpose of understanding another person.
This past weekend, Taylor Swift descended upon Chicago for a three-day show spree, becoming the number one topic of conversation across the greater metro area. If you aren’t a Swiftie yourself, you likely love someone who is, or at the very least, were mildly inconvenienced by one as they enthusiastically traversed to Soldier Field by air, land, or sea. For the non-Swifties among us, as soon as Taylor and her music come up in casual conversation, you can immediately detect an eye roll or face scrunch. To many, to be a Swiftie is to be an affront to “good” musical taste, whatever that is. This is often the attitude towards music predominantly favored by young people, especially girls.
People love to write off the artistic preferences of girls. At best, it’s framed as a guilty pleasure. At worst, it’s seen as vapid fodder for teenyboppers. It reeks of the kind of entitled condescension that empowers some people – often men – to be self-assigned gatekeepers of “good” music. Ask any young woman what happens when she wears a band t-shirt and she’ll tell you that she endures a barrage of pop quizzes from the boys demanding that she name five songs by Nirvana or the entire discography of Tupac. These types make it next to impossible for young girls to feel welcomed into a whole slew of musical subcultures, while simultaneously being berated for finding a place in a community where they see themselves and their experiences.
If you fall in the camp of loving someone who loves Taylor Swift, flippantly flaunting a distaste for her or any other artists that they have wallpapered on their bedroom door is a terrible misstep. Rather than reducing their enthusiasm to misguided teenybopperism, consider it to be an entry point to their hearts.
The other day, I was headed to the pool with my 14-year-old daughter and for the entire drive there, I listened to the songs I personally associate with summer: 90s hip-hop, Southern jam bands, and 70s yacht rock. I was bopping along, yelling fun facts about the music over the sound of the wind blasting through the sunroof. She smiled politely as she scrolled through Snapchat. She was kind, but not engaged. On the drive home, however, I put on Taylor Swift and immediately the phone dropped into her lap. She beamed at me, sang along, and started sharing all kinds of deep-cut Taylor Swift insights like a PhD candidate. I realized then and there that while I enjoy being “right” about “good” music, it’s just as gratifying to indulge in the foreign passions of another if it ignites and nurtures a lasting bond.
When I was a teenager, demonstrating interest in my musical preferences was one of my dad’s go-to ways to connect with me during a chapter of life when our tastes and sensibilities were the most diametrically opposed. As we drove to school in the morning, I know he really wanted to listen to the Allman Brothers, but instead would turn the radio to the local alternative station, singing out random lines from Rage Against the Machine, just to placate my angsty soul.
Dad, I know you’re reading this. I just want you to know how much that little gesture made me feel seen and loved. And even though I would rather listen to Rage than “All Too Well (Taylor’s Version),” giving my daughter that same kind of tender visibility is the best feeling in the world.
In my estimation, “I want to know why you like stuff” is one of the simplest yet potent love languages of them all.
Last year, Gen Z trendsetters went gaga for two key prestige bar snacks – the caviar bump (eating a dollop of fish roe off the back of your hand) and the espresso martini. As for me, I refuse to enjoy the luxury of caviar like a Warhol girl doing lines in a black lacquer bathroom. I harbored the same disdain for the espresso martini, assuming it was a rich and creamy dairy-based monstrosity better suited for dessert but never quite good enough to beat out actual desserts like lava cake or bread pudding.
While my position on caviar bumps remains steadfast, I recently experienced a game-changing espresso martini at Chicago steakhouse, Maple & Ash:
2 oz Grey Goose Vodka
1.5 oz espresso
1 oz Mr. Black Cold Brew Coffee Liquor
0.25 oz simple syrup
3 coffee beans, for garnish
In a cocktail shaker with ice, shake all ingredients except coffee beans. Strain into a coupe glass. Garnish with three coffee beans before serving.
The Mr. Black is key. It’s absolutely delicious and extremely addicting. Cheers!
If you are not a Swiftie but want to understand someone who is, I recommend starting with the song “Anti-Hero” from her latest album, “Midnight.” I kept seeing the hook, “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me” over and over again on social media and, of course, rolled my eyes and scrunched my face with condescension. But then, one day, I actually listened to it – really listened to it – and realized it might be one of the best songs she’s ever written and, frankly, one of the best pop songs I’ve ever heard.
Before you listen to it, read my favorite lines among a barrage of perfectly penned lines:
1. Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism like some kind of congressman?
2. I’ll stare directly at the sun and not the mirror
Really, Tay-Tay? “Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism like some kind of congressman.” That’s seriously a perfect line. Any snideness I could muster would wholly be based on my irritation with not being the one who wrote it.
Amazon Prime just released a four-part series, “Shiny Happy People,” that deep dives into the dark underbelly of the Institute of Basic Life Principles (IBLP), the deeply conservative religious tradition of TLC darlings, the Duggars – stars of the reality show “19 Kids and Counting.” I finished it in two sittings, gobbling up the twisted, salacious account of an influence-hungry patriarch (Jim Bob Duggar), his subservient, horribly coiffed wife (Michelle Duggar), and their holy brood of babies.
While the beginning of the documentary has a springy “can you believe this insanity?” tone that is fun to laugh at, it eventually becomes a tragic, depressing account of sexual abuse and lifelong emotional control. This being all in service to the IBLP’s founder, Bill Gothard and his demented take on Christianity, which seemed much less focused on Christ than lining his pockets and giving him a steady pipeline of young girls to manipulate.
It’s not a particularly fun watch but it is engrossing – emphasis on GROSS.
This is so great! I love getting in the car and asking the boys, “what do you want to hear?” Luckily, these days, they are asking for songs I would have put on in the first place. It makes my heart melt to get to sing a couple of lines of “Iron Man” or “have you ever seen the rain” before bed with my boys! As always, your writing makes people feel seen (including me). Thanks Rach!
Perfection