Martha Stewart Is Living

Re: Kilos of caviar, Manhattans, and rethinking Carly Rae Jepsen

In November 1990, Martha Stewart launched her venerable publication, Martha Stewart Living. According to a fan blog I stumbled upon after two gin cocktails and haven’t bothered to fact check, Martha’s cover outfit features a Hanes tee draped in an Armani sweater paired with a Rolex.

This classic high/low fashion move established Martha’s signature “oh, you thought we were alike, but you are sadly mistaken” brand that successfully ushered her through the cornucopia-to-prison pipeline with a level of self-assured star power never before seen in the “women’s interest” section of the magazine stand.

Unsurprisingly, gay men instinctively flocked to Martha like the salmon of Capistrano. As Liza Minelli once explained, “It’s simple. They have good taste.” Truly the early adopters of diva fandom, the gays played the long game and are now reaping a significant ROI on their early 90s investment.

In that launch issue, Martha wrote about “Cookies for the Children.”

Today she’s really serving them cookies.

Welcome to Martha’s Hot Girl Era.

Sure, celebrity thirst traps are a dime a dozen but let’s be real. Martha Stewart transcends age and station with an energy hotter than her brown butter squash.

Martha Stewart transcends age and station with a sexual energy hotter than her brown butter squash.

She’s the only a-lister who can effortlessly pivot from roasting a cow hump to roasting Justin Bieber. I maintain that Martha has so much target demo range that she could handily win the U.S. presidential election, securing every battleground state and hotly contested county on Steve Kornacki’s map. Whether she’s baking cherry pies in Michigan or high rolling in Nevada, Martha swings and wins.

Yet, despite all that political capital, Martha chooses to funnel her energy not into partisan shenanigans but in rubbing the face of the working class in a kilo of caviar. She’s played pre-presidential Donald Trump’s game with aplomb - yet, while he’s busy trading all-caps barbs with DeSantis and the Manhattan D.A., Martha is infusing her name in virtually every packaged goods category, from CBD to cat litter.

And before you deem yourself too blue collar for Martha’s coastal elitism, think again, Kenny Chesney. Martha’s tractor is better than yours and she knows it.

So, here’s the hot take. What was true on that first magazine cover is even more true today: This is Martha’s world and we’re just living in it.

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We are in the last throes of winter in the Upper Midwest, which means we are just on the cusp of al fresco season. For us reasonable imbibers, patio drinking does not properly start until the temperature is consistently in the 70s for at least one week. For everyone else, early April in this region marks both a sartorial and social crisis — a mix of sweatshirts and shorts, socks and sandals, and premature bottles of rosé sitting on rickety patio tables as winter-worn patrons shiver under flannel blankets.

So, what does a reasonable lush reach for during this awkward period of seasonal transition? My vote is a Manhattan. The dark amber contours of the whiskey and bitters are a nod to the bluster of the exiting season, while the sweetness of the vermouth and cherries serve as a bridge to the joy of a sunny summer. It warms your gut, invigorates your senses, and is the perfect tone setter for a cozy evening in a dimly lit, wood-clad Illinois bar — my favorite place to be, regardless of the weather.

Ice

2 parts rye or bourbon

1 part sweet vermouth

1 dash Angostura bitters

Cherry (Luxardo is preferred)

Up: Shake the ice, whiskey, vermouth, and bitters / pour in a cocktail glass

On the rocks: Same as above - minus ice / pour over rocks in an old fashioned glass

Drunk history: The borough of Manhattan was named after this drink. ;)

Share your cocktails with me on Instagram! @theokaypokay #okaypokaypours

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I like to do this thing where I hold off on the water cooler television discourse until the initial buzz wears off, and then I swoop in and tell my friends whether they were right or wrong regarding the hype. I did this with Breaking Bad, Sopranos, White Lotus, and now Abbott Elementary.

Although people DID get it wrong when they claimed that season 2 of White Lotus was superior to season 1 — seriously, one has Murray Bartlett and the other does not — I will give credit where credit is due. Abbott is a true delight, through and through.

So rarely does a network television show look at the world through the eyes of a genuinely earnest protagonist without coming off as saccharine. Plus, the ensemble cast is a perfect mix of “they remind me of someone but I can’t put my finger on it” characters who you root for right out of the gate. It has a touch of edge but is appropriate for all ages — a rare gem when you want to introduce fresh content to family TV nights but are usually left with either corny or crass.

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Remember the “Call Me Maybe” ear worm infestation of 2012? To many people, Carly Rae Jepsen quickly went from bubble gum pop princess to flash-in-the-pan novelty act. If you are among the Carly Rae Haters, then get behind me Satan — for I am a Carly Rae evangelist, and this is my testimony.

Much like the cherry vermouth swirl of your Manhattan cocktail, her musical stylings complement the aesthetics of a sexy summer night. If all you know of her catalog is “Call Me Maybe,” you are missing out on breathy synth pop reminiscent of predecessors like Berlin, Exposé, and Roxette.

LISTEN: Comeback (ft. Bleachers) | Dedicated / YouTube

Have another pour, snuggle under a weighted blanket, and listen to this dreamy disco pop b-side with high-quality, noise cancelling headphones in the last shimmering moments of sunset. Only then can we have an informed discussion about Carly Rae Jepsen.

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Dear Rachel,

I overthink a lot, especially with worrying about what my peers think of me. I’m in a musical at my middle school and even though I know I’m good, I’m still self-conscious about getting laughed at. How do I get over this?

- Stage Fright

Dear Stage Fright,

This problem isn’t petty at all! In fact, fear of public speaking is one of the greatest fears among grown-ups so you’re already ahead of the game by being willing to step into the spotlight now.

Conventional wisdom recommends imagining the audience in their underwear. This is terrible advice considering that the only audience that will be in your line of sight while you’re on stage will be the first row where the cast’s families are seated. Maybe once upon a time your understudy’s grandpa looked like Clint Eastwood playing Dirty Harry and this strategy would have been a welcome distraction. Today, he’s more like Bill Hader playing Clint Eastwood selling Chryslers. Let’s skip the underwear visualization.

Instead of employing stage fright hacks that will send you to therapy, try this trick. Write down your insecurities and fears and then read them aloud. Then, simply ask yourself “Who told you that?” Many times, the answer will be “no one” and the truth of the matter is revealed: that your insecurities or fears are unfounded. I don’t remember who taught me that exercise, but I use it all the time to ground myself in reality versus taking cues from a cruel, made-up entity I created in my head.

That’s not to say we don’t all have to overcome very real sources of insecurity. Sometimes, even one little voice from a long time ago — like a snot-nosed kid in 2nd grade who made some off-handed comment about your rabbit teeth — burrows deep down inside and somehow figures out how to get louder and louder even though the incident becomes more and more distant from the life you’re living today.

In that case, identify some inspiring figures who embody the attributes that motivated you to pursue the arts in the first place. Nearly all dazzling divas who have owned the stage and screen had to overcome nay-sayers, gaslighters, and underminers at one point or another. Yet, they keep showing up and figured out how to play the game by their own rules.

WATCH: Dolly Parton & Barbara Walters in 1977

You were summoned to the spotlight and selected for this role for a reason. Focus on the impact you will make on the people who are coming to see you, not on the faultfinders, real or imagined. As the old saying goes, “No one has ever erected a statue of a critic.”

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